The following is a fictional episode of one of my favorite shows, Strangers with Candy. It is about the struggle fans of the New England Patriots have had to deal with all season. Go Pats!
On a crisp January afternoon, Jerri Blank walks through the halls of Flatpoint High. Plastered on the walls are big blue posters emblazoned with “Giants: Stomp on Patriotism!” and “Giants: Beat Goliath!” Jerri, having just learned to read, is confused. Spotting her friend, Jerri investigates.
“Hey Orlando, whatchya doing?”
Orlando, dressed in a large shirt with the number 81 on the back, is covering the Giants graffiti with attractive posters reading “Unstoppable” and “Brady will not be matched.” He looks at Jerri with a mixture of shock and intrigue.
“Oh, hi Jerri. We’re just putting up these posters for the Super Bowl this weekend, in support of the New England Patriots.”
“What’s that?”
”It’s a football team, Jerri.”
”I know it’s a football team. I mean what does it do?”
“They play football, the greatest sport in America.”
Jerri laughs. ”You jungle-folk will go for anything. Tell me what this foothole is all about.”
“Football, Jerri. Well, a bunch of big guys dressed in very tight-fitting pants try to knock each other down while another guy tries to get the ball into the end zone.”
”I’d like to get your ball into my end zone.”
Orlando is taken aback. ”Excuse me?”
”Only if you say please.”
“The New England Patriots are going to be the first team to go 19-0 if they beat the New York Giants on Sunday.”
“19-0! Wow, that’s a lot of numbers. They must be real popular.”
“Not really, Jerri. Most of the school hates them and hates us for not hating them.”
Jerri recognizes the sentiment. ”Ah yes, the old hata-playa. No one likes the man on top.”
”That’s what she said.”
Pause.
“Sorry, wrong show.” Orlando has obviously been watching The Office too much. He continues. “Anyway, Tammy is coming over to watch the game on Sunday, You should come too.”
”You know what Orlando? I think I will. I’m takin’ a liking to these colonial sportsmen. Their colors are much more pleasing than that other team that is also red, white and blue. Something about the Patriots makes me feel very…what’s the word?”
“Patriotic?”
“That’s the one. Better than feeling gigantic!”
Tammy Littlenut walks by, hoping to avoid the amorous gaze of Jerri Blank.
“Mm, that’s gotta be tight. Be sure Coppertop’s there on Sunday, Orlando. I’d love to tackle that fireball.”
“We’re watching football Jerri.”
”Monkey see, monkey do. I gotta go pee.”
_______________________________________________________________________
”In nineteen hundred and seventy-two, the Miami Dolphins scored more than you.” Chuck Noblet, Flatpoint High’s resident history, science, driver’s ed teacher and biblical scholar is teaching the students who are still awake about NFL history. Above the blackboard a sign reads: “Patriots Fans Will Fail This Class.” Noblet is obviously a hard-core Giants fan, down to his tie depicting the Virgin Mary cradling the Jesus-like frame of Eli Manning. “And so it was that for 35 years, no football team could match the splendor that was/is the undefeated Miami Dolphins. A curse be upon the team that dares rival them.”
The bell rings
“Class dismissed.”
Jerri heads for the door, proudly showing off her Tom Brady jersey which she has adorned with spikes and squirrel claws. The look is interesting.
“Jerri, I…need a word.”
”Vagina”
“No, Jerri, I need to speak with you. Your attire is inappropriate for the academic setting. Remove this heretical jersey or you will fail.”
Jerri is flummoxed. “You’re wearing Giants apparel, why can’t I support my team? I mean, look the attention I’m getting!”
”I’ll put this as plainly as I know how. The Patriots suck and I will not have their jersey worn in my class.”
“But Mr. Noblet, if I don’t support the New England Patriots, how will I relate to my friends? I’ll be the laughing stock of Flatpoint High.”
”You already are.”
”motherfu…”
“And besides,” Noblet explains, “don’t you know who the Patriots are? They’re cheaters, Jerri. They’re nothing but a bunch of low-down, dirty ape-men who mercilessly conquer any team that stands in their way. They rule the night, feasting on the innocent young of their enemies and worshiping all that is unholy in the name of Satan, commonly referred to as Bill Belichick. They besmirch the good reputation of football.”
Jerri looks horrified. ”Oh my land!”
“If you care about the fate of our country’s corrupted sports, you will NOT root for the New England Patriots.”
”But, if I don’t root for the Patriots, who do I root for?”
”This is America, Jerri. It doesn’t matter who you root for, but who you root against. You must pledge your non-loyalty and hate the Patriots. We’re counting on you, Jerri.”
And with that, Noblet pushes Jerri out of the classroom and locks the door. Alone, Jerri expresses her feelings the only way she knows how: to say them out loud.
”Conflicted.”
_____________________________________________________________________________
In a frenzied state, Jerri rips off her claw-encrusted #12 jersey and jams it into a trash can.
“Jerri, what are you doing!”
”Orlando!”
Orlando has caught her in the act. Jerri cannot take the pressure of his hurt gaze.
”Look it. I like you but liking you and liking the Patriots is making the rest of the school not like me and I don’t know if I like that. Know what I’m saying, baby?”
Jerri starts to rub Orlando’s ears, as if to calm him down.
“Don’t take it the wrong way, Orlando. I’m just saying that I am sacrificing my undying support of the Patriots to be better liked by everyone else. You understand, right?”
“What about Tom Brady?”
Jerri lashes out.
”Fuck Tom Brady and fuck the Patriots!”
Orlando is hurt.
“I don’t even know you anymore, Jerri Blank. Or should I say Jerri Blank who supports the Giants?”
Orlando runs away, leaving Jerri alone yet again. Having already been conflicted, she states her new emotions.
“Confused.”
______________________________________________________________________
In the Teacher’s Lounge, Chuck Noblet is having a private, eh, conversation with the art teacher, Geoffrey Jellineck. Neither one has very many clothes on.
“Geoffrey, you stand there. Now, let’s do play #1281.”
”In Between Catch?” Jellineck is always game for that one.
“That’s the one.”
Jellineck gets excited. Noblet sets the scene.
“Okay, you to be Tom Brady.”
”Naturally,” Jellineck offers.
“And I’ll be Randy Moss. Now you come toward me and…”
“You want to be Randy Moss?”
Noblet backtracks.
“Oh I, uh, didn’t mean…Do you think I could pull it off?” Chuck asks hesitantly.
“No.”
”Okay then, I’ll be Wes Welker. Now, you come at me from behind.”
In the deserted Teacher’s Lounge, Geoffrey Jellineck is delicately explaining something to Chuck Noblet. Both have shed most of their clothes, save for socks and an ankle bracelet.
“Okay Chuck, my turn. Let’s do play #69: The Two-Headed Weasel. You be the sneaky Eric Mangini and I’ll be the incorrigible Billy Belichick. And go.”
”Prepare to go down, Belicheat.”
In the deserted and steamy Teacher’s Lounge, Chuck Noblet and Geoffrey Jellineck are spooning. There are no clothes left.
“I want to go again,” Jellineck whines.
“Jesus, Geoffrey, I’m all balled out.”
”Come on, Chuck. One more football fantasy? It will be inspirational for my art.”
”Fine, but I’m choosing the play. Let’s see,” Noblet thinks aloud. “Got it. Play #500,000 to 19: Punishment and Payback.”
“Great! I’ve got the paddle!”
“I’ll get the jockstraps.”
Jellineck reaches out his chiseled arm to the birthday-suited Noblet.
“Be careful Chuck. No one can find out our secret.”
Chuck wraps a towel around his players and leaves the lounge. A student hastily rushes by, frightened of his virtually naked teacher.
”No running!”
