Archive for April, 2009


“Still I know
To trust my own true mind,
And to say: there’s a way through this…”

I truly love theater. Great theater, such a subjective term but still, has the ability to go beyond your surface enjoyments of music and storytelling to your deepest, at time darkest, emotions. When that happens, you and and the music, the lyrics, the stage, the actors, the audience, the meaning are all combined into one brief, fleeting moment of pure energy and feeling. Though most palpable at a live performance, this can carry on in the music of shows. It’s why so many pieces of musical theater resonate with me until they become as cherished as my childhood blankie. I see a lot of theater, some bad, some good. But sometimes, you get that good show with a moment of greatness.  And when you get that moment, it is as exhilarating, as terrifying, as moving as it gets.

“Where I go, when I go there,
No more whispering anymore –
Only hymns upon your lips;
A mystic wisdom, rising with them, to shore…”

Spring Awakening, as I saw last night at Boston’s Colonial Theater, is a very good show, by far the best of this season here in Beantown. I’ve enjoyed the music on a superficial basis since the album came out about two years ago and I’ve been impatiently waiting to see the stage show all year. It was what I expected it to be and then completely not what I had anticipated all at the same time. Knowing the music well, I was able to pick up the important lyrics and follow the story perhaps better than a person coming in fresh. This production has remarkable actors, particularly Kyle Riabko as Melchior and Blake Bashoff (Karl!) who portrays the ill-fated Moritz, intricate and symbolic set design, vibrant lighting and at less than two and a half hours is the perfect length for a story so intense. I can see why it won so many Tony’s and I very much enjoyed it. But that’s not why I can’t seem to stop thinking about Spring Awakening.


“Just fuck it – right? Enough. That’s it.
You’ll still go on. Well, for a bit.
Another day of utter shit –
And, then there were none.”

Spoiler Alert!

This musical has a very centralized theme and that is sexually charged teenagers. There are no silly side plots, no erroneous characters. Every action in the story happens as a direct result of sexual awareness. That being said, the scene I keep fixating on, the part which has been virtually haunting me since last night is not the half-naked sex scene – Alyssa, I won’t embarrass you by repeating that line you said last night that made me laugh so hard but in my head I am 🙂 – or the “Totally Fucked” song which was the most rousing number of the show. The scene that has captured me was the suicide scene. Moritz, about to be kicked out of school for failing grades due to his extreme sexual frustration, comes to the end of his rope and decides that the only way out is to stick a gun in his mouth and pull the trigger.

“But there’s nowhere to hide from the
ghosts in my mind.
It’s cold in these bones – of a man and a child.
And there’s no one who knows and
there’s nowhere to go.
There’s no one to see who can see to soul…”

I knew it was coming. It’s pretty obvious on the cast recording that Moritz sings this really depressing song “Don’t Do Sadness” and then is missing for much of the rest of the album. I should have been prepared for it and I wasn’t. See, this was probably not the best of times to see Spring Awakening, this week marking the anniversary of an event in my life that is eerily similar to this scene in the show. Watching a character come undone on stage, with such a great performance by Bashoff, was very difficult and emotionally draining. I was sitting there watching and in my head, I was screaming for him to stop, for Moritz to not do what it was so apparent that he was about to do. And then you saw the snap and that’s what I can’t stop thinking about.


“‘Cause, you know, I don’t do sadness –
not even a little bit.
Just don’t need it in my life – don’t want
any part of it.
I don’t do sadness. Hey, I’ve done my time.
Lookin’ back on it all – man, it blows my mind.”

The snap, the moment or line or lyric or look when the character truly decides he’s going to kill himself. You can say it or threaten it all you want but until that snap happens, it’s just an idea and not an action. There’s a moment during the song “Don’t Do Sadness” where the character is faced with a proposition to go hang out with his childhood friend and he turns it down. She runs away and he’s left all alone on stage in dead silence and he questions himself on why he couldn’t go with her. And boom, there it is. The snap. Decision made. All hope lost. The music picks up again, he finishes the song with a new, wild abandon. The song ends and he does it. As I think about this scene more and more, I start to get chills. Because that’s what must happen to anyone who decides to kill themselves, that final, no turning back choice. Not something any of us can understand unless we go through with it. Not something I ever want to understand but since it must have happened to someone who had been so close to me, it’s something that, in a very dark way, fascinates me. And all this from a person pretending. It was horrific and amazing at the same time. Great theater has the ability to go beyond your surface enjoyments of music and storytelling to your deepest, at time darkest, emotions. That moment was great theater.

“The talks you never had,
The Saturdays you never spent,
All the ‘grown up’ places your never went.
And all of the crying you wouldn’t understand.
You just let him cry…”

There’s obviously much more to Spring Awakening than what I’ve put here. I would definitely recommend the show and this cast especially. I think this is one of those that if you are able to attach to it, you’ll get something different from it than I did. If it doesn’t speak to you, well that’s part of theater too.

And now, just for fun:


“Yeah, you’re fucked all right – and all for spite.
You can kiss your sorry ass good-bye.
Totally fucked. Will they mess you up?
Well, you know they’re gonna try.”


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“And I’ll be fine, I know.
Well maybe not that fine
But I’ll survive anyhow.
I won’t recall the names and places
Of each sad occasion
But that’s no consolation
Here and now.”

For twelve years I’ve found a disturbing comfort in that verse from the song “Another Suitcase in Another Hall” from the musical Evita. It was 12 years ago today that I first heard it, in a red Escort driving through my hometown with my brother Steve.  Trouble is you do recall names and places. You remember everything, as if it happened 12 hours ago instead of 12 years.

I think the key word in that verse is “survive” and there have definitely been times in the past 12 years where I didn’t think I could.

Happy Preacher Day.

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Yellow Shirt Day

It’s yellow shirt day. Again. It took me until 9pm to realize that it was. Amazing. I don’t know how I feel about that.

And if that was cryptic, it was supposed to be. 🙂

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Good News/Bad News

Good News: Got to go shopping for new clothes today.
Bad News: Didn’t buy anything but a new bra, though admittedly I’ve been wanting a yellow bra for ages. Don’t ask me why, I have reasons.

Good News: Got to see a few towns such as Medford and Lawrence today that I’ve never seen.
Bad News: Because I got lost in my zipcar.

Good News: I dropped a size!
Bad News: There’s absolutely no bad news associated to that (though I haven’t exercised in two weeks).

Good News: Ann Taylor has some seriously beautiful dresses at decently affordable prices.
Bad News: I look awful in a dress. I think I can do a skirt but for some reason, the dress in not my friend.

Good News: I enjoyed the sunshine today.
Bad News: I think I’ve sweated off at least 10 pounds. Too hot for April.

Good News: My air conditioner still works.
Bad News: I got to find out my air conditioner works in freakin’ April.

Good News: I’ve gotten 6 new pairs of shoes in as many weeks.
Bad News: I have nothing new to wear with them. 😦

Having a major road block when it comes to getting new clothes. In my head, I know what I want but finding it is easier said than done. I saw a gorgeous – and I mean GORGEOUS – skirt at Macy’s today but it was $79 and until I get the rest of my wardrobe for summer in place, I can’t buy such a high-ticket item. Oh to be rich! Though I guess I could afford the skirt if I hadn’t gotten 6 new pairs of shoes but whatever. 🙂

And I really did drop a size. At least I tried on some things in one size smaller and they fit rather nicely so that’s cool. My friend that just came to visit thought I had lost some weight but I really haven’t noticed all that much. I feel stronger but not really thinner. Oh well.

Last piece of good news/bad news:

Good News: As my earlier post indicated, am really enjoying baseball
Bad News: Mets suck, REALLY SUCK, right now. Seriously, who loses 8-1 to the effing Nationals? D-Wright, what’s happening to you?

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So I’ve been really getting into baseball this year. I started following the sport midway through last season but mostly as just a filler for the boring late days of summer. This year I’ve been paying more attention and really surprising myself on how much I enjoy this game. It isn’t as boring as I once thought it was, though I think that has a great deal to do with picking a team you favor and rooting for them to win.

It’s no secret that I live in Boston and I’m sure one would assume that if a person like myself, living in Boston and just starting out with baseball with no prior team affiliation would just automatically choose the Boston Red Sox as the team to follow, right? WRONG! Any non baseball fan who has ever lived off of the Green Line will tell you that not everyone in Boston worships the freakin’ Red Sox. This town is obsessed with this team and not in the way of the Patriots, Celtics or even Bruins. The Red Sox are God’s gift to America to these crazed fans and God forbid if you aren’t a part of that. Ever since the Red Sox won that World Series in 2004 it’s gotten loads worse.

Well, I had to put up with the Fenway traffic on the T for years, all those drunk, obnoxious people. When I decided to start following baseball, the Red Sox came in as the second to last team I’d ever root for. Side note: Yankees suck! Even I’m not stupid enough to openly root for the Yankees when they play the Red Sox, I do want to live to be 30 you know. So the Red Sox and the Yankees were out. The Cleveland Indians seemed like a decent team to follow but then I’d already been trying to following the Cleveland Browns during football season and there’s only so much Cleveland I can take so they were out too.

I finally landed on the New York Mets and it is sort of embarrassing how that happened. Besides the fact that they are the only New York sports team I can think about without getting angry, I am, after all, just a girl who occasionally will look at an athlete and be struck dumb by their shear gorgeousness. It happens. It’s probably why I first noticed the New England Patriots though I now am a devoted fan of theirs for much more than just Tom Brady’s god-like beauty. I had been watching The Daily Show in the fall of 2007. Jon Stewart is a huge, lifelong Mets fan and occasionally talked about his beloved team on the show. This episode he had 3rd baseman David Wright on. I’ve gotta say that the rest is history.I mean, look at this guy:


Come on.

2007 was also the year of the Mets infamous collapse before the playoffs. I’m going to get the specifics wrong but basically they blew like a 7 game lead in their division and wound up missing the playoffs by a game or so. It was all over the sports news and since I was dutifully following the Patriots at that time I picked up on it. I figure any team that suffers through that kind of collapse has to be an interesting one to watch, if not just for the emotions involved. I was definitely right about that.

So it was that in the summer of 2008 I started to follow the New York Mets and particularly David Wright. As happened with the Patriots, I soon started to care about the other players on the team as well and then just the team in general, focusing more on the play of the game than really the players of the game. In the past year, I’ve tried to learn as much as I can about the game of baseball, constantly calling my enthusiastic father about questions I had – what is a balk? what is a checked swing? why does David Wright always run with his tongue sticking out? – and watching as many games as I could.

And I’ve come to the realization that baseball is a pretty fun game to watch. I think it is much, much better on TV or the radio than going to the game in person if the game is what you want to be really watching. That’s not to say I wouldn’t pass up the chance to go to Citi Field of course. 🙂 It’s also a frustrating sport though I’m starting to think that is because of the team I chose to be a fan of. The Mets are at 7 – 9 behind the Marlins, Braves, and Phillies – now tied with the Red Sox and Yankees as my most hated of teams – and despite winning yesterday afternoon, my beloved David Wright was booed after striking out. I’ll admit he’s had a rather slow beginning.  But it’s early and unlike football where every game is make or break, these teams play like 500 games throughout the summer. I still have hope. What else can I do? I’m stuck on the Mets now, no turning back.

As for the Red Sox, my hometown team that has made me turn traitor (for the record, go Celtics and go Bruins!), well I hope they get their egos in check and miss this year’s playoffs. Yes, I said it. Grab your pitchforks.I will concede that I hope they sweep the Yankees this weekend by winning today’s game. It amazes me how this rivalry produces such amazing games as these last two this weekend. Very fun to watch even if you aren’t actually rooting for either side to win.

I went to the belly of the beast known as Fenway Park last weekend. I’ll post pictures later.

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Serious props to anyone who knows where that lyric is from.

Oh this is SO one of those days! I think it is a combination of being really tired and really tired but I just don’t have the umph to get through this day. Lunch helped a little bit but I just want my nice, warm, comfortable bed.

It’s also one of those days (again) where I feel like I need a major change. I’m always saying that. I guess I’m just a very restless person but I feel like I’m wasting time and I hate doing that. I want a change, a BIG change. I want to go back to school or move to a different city or even do something really different here like take a class or join some kind of club or just something. I’m going stir crazy. And I know I’ve been working like a duck (I don’t know what that means) this year so I haven’t time to see anyone but I’m really getting myself into a tizzy about being alone all the time. Maybe it’s just the influence of having my friend stay with me the last few days.

I don’t know but I do know I need to get a move on with something. Work is too frustrating to let myself get consumed by so it’s gonna have to come from somewhere else.

I think my blahness today is also coming from just the time of year it is – I really don’t enjoy the end of April and beginning of May even with the prospect of a 70 degree, sunny weekend coming up. Also, I seriously had a near-death experience last night. It was so close that I was almost shaking and I basically went into a panic attack and it’s all I’ve thought of today. I honestly think if my friend hadn’t been walking with me, I’d have been roadkill.

Talk about your wake up call. Anyway, I’m just rambling for the sake of rambling I guess. Maybe when I can get more than 6 hours of sleep I’ll be in a better mental place. It’s sad that I can exist on 6 hours anymore. I used to all the time. Am I really only 26?


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Had a flashback to my early days in college last night. My good college buddy is staying with me this week and last night, instead of watching some high-class movie like we had originally planned, we opted for more lighthearted, nostalgic fare. Yep, we watched the Buffy musical. 🙂

“Wish I could play the father and take you by the hand”

College was when I got into the Buffyverse. I remember many, many nights we stayed up watching any Buffy episode we could get our hands on. My roommate freshman year had taped “Once More with Feeling” when it originally aired and I’m sure I asked to borrow her copy about a thousand times that year. Watching it last night with my friend brought back so many good memories. This show will be forever linked to my college experience. When 11:30 rolled around last night, I sincerely regretted that I couldn’t watch the show until 3am like we used to back in the more carefree days.


“Dawn’s in trouble, must be Tuesday.”

In honor of the Buffy musical, here are my top 10 favorite lines/lyrics from the episode:

10. “I hope she fries, I’m free if that bitch dies. I better help her out.” – Spike “Walk Through the Fire”

9. “When things get rough he just hides behind his Buffy, now look he’s getting huffy cause he knows that I know.” – Anya “I’ll Never Tell”

8. “I’ve been making shows of trading blows just hoping no one knows that I’ve been going through the motions.” – Buffy “Going Through the Motions”

7. “Understand we’ll go hand in hand but we’ll walk alone in fear. Tell me, where do we go from here?” – Ensemble “Where Do We Go From Here”

6. “And since I’m only dead to you, I’m saying ‘stay away’ and let me rest in peace.” – Spike “Rest in Peace”

5. Bunny interlude and then “…or maybe midgets?” – Anya “I’ve Got a Theory”

4. “Spread beneath my w(W)illow tree.” – Tara “Under Your Spell – It took me a long time to figure out what that lyric really meant. 🙂

3. “She needs backup. Anya? Tara?” – Giles

2. “These endless days are finally end in a blaze” – Buffy “Walk Through the Fire”

1. Not actually a line but I think you’ll all give me this one. The firetrucks!

God, there’s so many more. If it’s been awhile since you’ve watched “Once More With Feeling,” I highly recommend doing it!

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